[an error occurred while processing this directive]
Create Your Own Stephen King Novel!
(Stephen King discussing fulfilling outstanding contracts)
"Then that's it. I'm done. Done writing books," he told the Times' Kim
Why? he was asked.
"You get to a point where you get to the edges of a room,
and you can go
back and go where you've been and basically recycle stuff," he said.
(How many of us are wondering why he didn't say this 15 years
ago??? Raise your hands...yup, I thought so.)
quoted from a cnn.com article, jan 29 2002
Now you can save HOURS AND HOURS of time, in the privacy of your own home!
Use this easy, multiple choice format to create your very own
King bestseller! Just as satisfying as reading his latest
you'll only need a fraction of the time to create, and enjoy, this book.
And no need to wait 6 months for him to write another 700-900 page
novel...as soon as you're ready for another one, you can come back
and do it again!
Let's get started...pick one from each section.
- 4 guys who have been friends for a long time/since working
together/since grade school
- A complete loner (with or without a kid)
- A kid who knows stuff s/he can't explain to adults
- A couple who are having problems but are trying to work them out
- flashbacks to childhood
- odd psychic experiences
- scary unexplainable stuff happening
- strange animal encounters
The book itself has
- many gross bodily functions are described in detail.
- the author lets you read people's thoughts in italics.
- someone dies in a really disgusting way.
- huge plot threads start appearing everywhere.
and every chapter/section/part/whatever begins with a
- enough pages to deforest Oregon
- big easy print for the reader who only tackles one book a year
- an out-of-focus, but suggestive, cover illustration so that readers aren't
sure what kind of novel it is until they plunk down their 27.50 and read
- a one word, easy to remember title so that even stupid people can
remember what it's called
plus there are
- quote from a popular song
- quote from a well-known poem
- quote from a pop-cultural icon
- all three
The "good guy" characters are
- literary allusions meant to impress the gullible reader.
- amusing references to Stephen King's friends/fellow authors.
- obscure references to happenings in Stephen King's other books.
- plot points that DEPEND on the reader being familiar with Stephen
King's other books.
and they have a friend who is
- Just regular joes doing the best they can in a weird situation
- Plain folks who can kill people/aliens/the undead when the situation
calls for it
- Guys like you and I would like to be...if we were attacked by
aliens/the undead/rabid dogs.
- Not generally women
but you know the friend
- mentally disabled
- physically disabled
- just plain weird
- will save their butts by the end of the book
- will have a gross and wacky personality
- will have at least one heartrending, sentimental scene when he or
his best friend dies
- is a goner from page 1
and the main characters
- a lot of icky stuff happens
- many innocent people are killed
- things look worse and worse
- corpses start piling up everywhere
- have a chance to exchange lots of snappy dialogue and zippy catch
- think a lot about the past.
- make a lot of rude jokes.
- pad the novel out considerably.
and the reader tries desperately
- the undead are attacking
- the aliens are threatening life as we know it
- adorable children are dying horribly
- nobody quite knows what is going on, but it's described in
disgusting anatomical detail
Suddenly, a sweet innocent little
- to keep up with the plot twists.
- to keep from mixing up the characters.
- to keep their dinners down after reading the last few pages.
- to keep their eyes open when they know exactly what's gonna happen next.
- dog dies horribly
- cat dies horribly
- wild animal dies horribly
- baby/young child dies horribly
All the action takes place in
- everyone in the book discusses the situation at great length for the
benefit of those who skipped to the action.
- the main characters try to tell everyone what is happening but are not
- the government tries to cover up what's really going on.
- the author attempts to finish the last 300 pages in a week.
but there are also scenes in
- a small town in Maine
- the wilderness near a small town in Maine
- various places in the country but also Maine
- Maine disguised as somewhere else
during which the main characters
- dark scary houses
- dark scary sewers
- dark scary tunnels
- dark scary subconsciousnesses
This book goes on
- remember things they've repressed about their pasts.
- find out things about themselves they don't want to know.
- come into their true powers.
- see a lot of really gross stuff that is lovingly detailed for the
You know you're getting near the end when
- for hundreds and hundreds of pages.
- until the reader screams for someone to edit Mr. King's works and
tell him to stop making allusions to real literature.
- until the author runs out of ideas and slightly wacky but lovable
characters and amazing plot twists and catchy phrases and wraps it all up.
- the best seller lists for 26 weeks and earns the author many more
millions of dollars, thank goodness.
- the author is running out of main characters
- it looks like the aliens/undead/scary things are gonna take over the
world and there's no stopping them this time, no sirree bob!
- there are no more gross and disgusting ways left for people to die
- you're on page 974 and they're about to go into the dark scary place
- something scary jumps out!
- something gross happens!
- another character dies, after making one last amusing quip!
- the person you _thought_ had died in Chapter 32 is back!
so that, finally,
- more icky nasty bloody bodily fluid kinda stuff happens (I'm not
making this up, you know, have you ever read one of these things? I've
read them ALL...)
- the main characters finally figure out what's going on, which the
reader did in Chapter Three
- the main characters finally figure out what their powers are and how
to use them, which the reader also did in Chapter Three
- the main characters finally connect their flashbacks to childhood
with what's going on right now (ditto above)
And the anticlimax:
- the undead/aliens/evil beings are conquered, not without major gross
stuff happening and maybe a natural disaster or nuclear explosion thrown
- the main characters defeat the u/a/eb for now, but know it's only a
temporary respite...evil never goes away forever.
- the main characters finally figure out what's REALLY going on and
take care of business.
- everything goes to hell in a handbasket, most of the characters die
horribly...and the ones that are left will look over their shoulders for
the rest of their lives...
Santa Clara 4:25-5:15pm 4/01/01
- It's starting all over again.
- Something else odd is happening.
- The main characters lives are changed.
- The next Steven King thrilling blockbuster bestseller novel.