This review contains spoilers. I can't imagine that anyone really cares, after the awfulness of The Matrix Reloaded but if you are one of the few, go to the short review instead.

Brief digression: this was the first movie I went to see in my new bifocals, and I have to say, I was pretty pleased...although Virago and I sat in the sixth row of a thousand seat gigantic screen theatre, so my eyes kept wanting to go in different directions looking at the screen, like a chameleon...but overall, no problems with watching the movie.

Now if only it had been worth seeing...

As we sat down, Virago turned to me, and said, you know we just paid nine and a half bucks for a movie we ALREADY KNOW is going to suck, don't you? I did indeed, and had commented on this very thing to Mr. Otter before I left. He stayed home and felt smug about it.

Now, there are indeed cases where sequels were made following excellent movies, and didn't suck...Fierce Creatures, Blues Brothers 2000 and Terminator 2: Judgment Day are the notable exceptions...but for every one of those, you have dozens like Men in Black II, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom*, and of course Star Wars: Attack of the Clones. This series is yet another sterling example of this theory: when you have a hit movie, be happy about it. Don't try to step in the same stream twice.

Basically, this one continues where The Matrix Reloaded leaves off...literally. No plot precis, no catchup, no nothing, you're just thrown back into the action and expected to remember what happened in one of the worst movies ever that you saw eight months ago and tried really hard to forget you had ever seen so those brain cells could go on to lead a more useful life...

But it wasn't hard to figure out: Robots bad. Humans good. Some humans bad. Bad humans! Bad! Stomp them flat. Fight robots. Steal ship. Drive ships really fast. Lots of fights. Cool camera angles. Good special effects. People talk funny. Use big words. Say things that sound deep and thoughtful but are really meaningless. Look for Christ imagery. Wait for ending. Wait, wait, wait. Whew. It's over.

I'm not really kidding, it was that simplistic. Frightening how many people think that this movie says deep things, or is about philosophy, or has a good plot. But I must disillusion you: it doesn't, it isn't, and it hasn't. It's a braindead pastiche of pseudozen sayings that goes by really fast and keeps cutting to action sequences.

At least the action in this one is better...they don't have to throw in a CAR CHASE to keep it moving...and during the fighting, they have one new cool special effect: people can now stand on the ceiling, so some of the fight scenes are upside down (whoop de do).

Carrie Ann Moss is still a total honey, and Keanu Reeves is almost an anti-honey, someone you would actually REFUSE to see a movie if he's in it (Sylvester Stallone and Kevin Costner are anti-honeys for me) he's so painful to watch. She's lucky, her character is now dead, so even if the powers-that-be decide that yet another Matrix movie is needed, she won't have to be in it. I'm sure that's helping her sleep better at night.

OK, the robot special effects were VERY GOOD. All the stuff about fighting the machines off looked amazing, and was great to watch. That was about 20-30 minutes out of 2 1/2 hours, so you decide if it's worth it. Oh, and the final fight between Neo and Mr. Smith...yes, having it take place during a torrential downpour was cool, but made absolutely no sense. And duh, of course he had to become Smith to stop him, Smith was a virus. No big surprise there.

But you know the worst thing? THE STUPID ENDING. After suffering through both of the completely terrible sequels, waiting for closure, having to watch Keanu Reeves (and it's really pathetic when an actor emotes better with half his face gone, folks, truly) doing his Christ impersonation to save the world...and what happens? Supposedly there is now peace between humans and machines. Of course, my first thought was, so the humans are now going to abandon all the people being farmed who are caught in the matrix? Doesn't that violate their basic principles? when we got the little scene at the end, between the Architect and the Oracle (and they got one icon for character development, they were the ONLY interesting characters in this thing) and the Architect mentions that the humans will be freed... I take that to mean all the humans, which means that the machines have just LOST THEIR POWER SOURCE...well, that peace will last about five minutes after the machines stop getting power, hm? what a crock. Totally didn't work, no matter how you slice it.

This one sucks, don't waste your money, get it from the library for free, that's about what it's worth. Or take the blue pill and just pass it by.

*Not to mention that another Indiana Jones movie is in the works, with Harrison Ford seriously past 60 years old...I'm just hoping it's not an embarrassment, although the odds are not good...