Sigh. This is a movie not only about a seminal event in American history (or at least a seminal American STORY, since most people don't really know what actually happened) but what actually happened is really pretty exciting and would make a great movie!

Too bad this wasn't it.

Sure, the reviews talk a lot about the meaningful and beautiful camerawork, the slow pans over the forest primeval, the lovely and lyrical scenery...but the truth is, the scenery is the best part of this awful and boring movie, it sure isn't the acting or the script. As Mr. Otter said, it's pretty painful to actually watch a movie commit suicide before your very eyes...

It's two and a half hours long. With short bursts of action and dialogue. And long scenes of natural beauty and all that stuff. But it doesn't really seem like two and a half hours, you know. It was more like EIGHT YEARS by the time we got out of that theatre (except that if that had really been the case, I'd be retiring now...ah well).

This movie was so bad that part way through, Mr. Otter (who had gotten his customary cup of some sort of coffee drink before the movie) leaned over to me and whispered, I don't think this has ever happened before, but this is a TWO COFFEE MOVIE.

As he got up and left (left me ALONE watching that AWFUL MOVIE all by MYSELF with NOBODY to SHARE THE PAIN) I looked at my watch. There was a WHOLE HOUR left to go...and I confess it. I almost got up and followed Mr. Otter out and said, (in the immortal words of Eric Cartman) screw you guys, I'm going home.

But I didn't.

I had to sit through the whole rest of the movie.

And it didn't get any better...

Colin Ferrell may be good looking, but I think they needed to actually wake him up before filming...he was sleepwalking through all his scenes. The actress who played Pocohontas (who, by the way, is never called by that name), Q'Orianka Kilcher, was very good, pretty much the only good thing about the whole movie.

And I'm just not going to waste the space going on about how they could have made it better or how much better and more interesting the real stuff that happened was than the stupid mishmosh they made of it here...because this movie has already sucked two and a half hours out of my life, and it's not worth wasting more on it.

So go find out for yourself, it's pretty interesting stuff.

And you'll have a way better time than you would have had seeing this dog.

Trust the Otter.